I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
