I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
God, I missed his penis.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
