R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
bring money and cleavage
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
