Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
