sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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