if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
