She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
