I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
