I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
