My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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