you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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