Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
