Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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