I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
