I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
