My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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