I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
