In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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