After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
