that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You ruined the universe
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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