My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
