if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
