The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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