I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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