My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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