I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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