Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
