I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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