____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
