The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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