I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
