You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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