The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he shaved USA in his pubs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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