It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
