Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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