How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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