mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
