ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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