accomplished twins. life is a go
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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