He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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