Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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