my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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