just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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