Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
