Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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