I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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