A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
