hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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