We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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