His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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