True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
