That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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