turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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