youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
