i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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