Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
