I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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