you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
