yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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